Elizabeth Brooklyn Blair

Image

As Elizabeth finished her home schooling session on Friday, we decided to go and meet her daddy for lunch.  As we were quickly climbing into the car, and about to buckle seatbelts, I heard Elizabeth say, “Ummm, Mama, is this supposed to happen?”  As I glanced to the back of the car, there she sat holding a chunk of hair in her hand.  What the what?  STOP EVERYTHING!  I think I may have blacked out for a moment, knowing it was hers, but in denial that it was not.  I then said, “That’s not your hair, where did you get that?  Elizabeth, did you cut your dolls hair again?”  “No”, she said, as she ran her fingers through her hair with each time losing a little more.  I don’t even remember what I said to her at that point, my head started spinning in disbelief that this was happening again.  She has been on the same chemotherapy maintenance treatment since April.  I don’t remember being warned by the doctors that this would happen.  In fact, I have been telling her for months that this very thing would NOT happen.  SOoooo Mama called the doctor and the doctor said…”Yes it’s possible that sweet girl could lose her hair again.”  Yo ho ho, into the black hole I go.  Hair loss is completely normal and can happen, not always, but can happen again during maintenance chemotherapy.  Just another one of those super duper side effects.  I called a sweet friend crying and not fully understanding why I was so upset.  I kept saying “…It’s so stupid that I’m crying, it’s just hair…”  I said over and over.  This EBB (Exceptionally Beautiful Bestie) said, “It’s not stupid, it is about so much more than just the hair.  This takes you back to a very painful place and that is why you are so upset.”  She so nailed it on the head that one!  I think everyone can relate to certain smells or songs that trigger certain memories.  It’s nice when they are good, but it sucks when they are bad.  And the memory of Elizabeth’s first hair loss was the first moment I really knew she was sick and truly understood what was happening to my baby.  Her hair falling out took me back to that very painful time. The doctors tell me, it’s not uncommon for kiddos after treatment to actually vomit when they even just drive past the hospital.  Just seeing the hospital triggers the horrific memories of what they have dealt with there.  My emotions were spinning all day and as I had to give her nightly meds, I counted each pill for her as she swallowed, 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10 – 11.  I remember thinking how her reality is crazier than the thought of HELL itself?  Elizabeth is supposed to not have a care in the world, but now she is screaming at me and everyone else she loves because the pills she takes cause total and utter madness, anxiety, heartbreak, vomiting, weakness and tremors.  She is totally ticked off that she can’t run as fast as she used to and go to school everyday with the kids she started kindergarten with last year.  Because, once, not even twice was enough, I guess.  Three times she has to go through the heartbreak of losing her hair.  And this doesn’t even scratch the surface of what she has been through.  How every time she looks in the mirror at herself she is reminded with the scars, where she was poked with needles over and over and over again.  It was like a sucker punch in the gut from cancer on Friday.  And for the record, I probably shouldn’t post on FB in the middle of my insane, madness mental breakdowns again, and I am so sorry for any additional worry I caused anyone.  Oh, the insanity of having a child fighting cancer.  I will always worry, I will always be in fear of this monster.  I can’t help but think that every ache and every pain cause me to immediately think, cancer.

We cannot be sure if she will lose all of her hair again or if it will just thin out?  Really, as far as looks go it doesn’t matter.  She ROCKS the bald look beautifully!  And you know what I always say, “Beauty comes from within the heart.” And you all are so incredibly beautiful for being by our side every step of the way.  Thank you thank you thank you!

With super duper love,

Heidi

Comments on: "The Insanity of Having a Child Fighting Cancer" (4)

  1. Megan W. & Family said:

    We are ALWAYS behind you through the good, the bad and the ugly cancer. You are always in our prayers. XO

  2. I started a message to you and had to stop for my PT guy, when I was ready to finish it, it disappeared, so I’m hoping I’m not repeating myself but if I am, you’ll know why. First of all thank you for sharing what you and sweet Elizabeth are going through. You have written your joinery so beautify and you are the most upbeat person I know,but this time you wrote of this horrible ordeal in such a way that I think it gave us a truer insight of the hell you’re living through. You wrote it well enough that I felt the sense of you’re pain and a better understanding of the suffering you are going through as a mom. I wish I had a magic wand and could make this go away for you. Maybe the magic wand is prayer. They say there is power in prayer, I have prayed for Elizabeth before but as things seem to coast along so well my prayers seem to lessen, now once again feeling powerless, the only thing everyone can do is pray for you and Elizabeth, and keep praying, and that I promise to do. You are the best mom my grand daughter could have and I thank God that Brooke found you. Your children are beautiful, well behaved, joyful little souls and all of that is a reflection of you. Thank you for being the wonderful person you are and the super duper mom, in that way Elizabeth is lucky that she has you on this journey with her.

  3. Penny and Kelly Eminger said:

    To Linda, Heidi, Brooke, Elizabeth and the entire family:

    Our heart is overwhelmed with emotion for you all. What a strong family you all are. We can not imagine traveling on the journey you all have faced bravely. We pray for all of you and pray that Elizabeth is healed from this. Our thoughts are with you constantly…..even when this busy crazy world makes time pass too fast and weeks go by without speaking…..we are of course thinking about you guys! We love you all.
    Penny and Kelly Eminger

  4. Jenna Summers said:

    I don’t know you. I can’t possibly understand what it’s like to have a child fighting cancer. My son has a different type of illness but not one that could take him from this world. Sometimes I scream at God thinking of how unfair everything is and why did this have to happen to me, to my child, to my family. And then I came across your story, your beautiful little girl, and your incredible heartbreak. It put it all in perspective for me. I will be praying for your family every night. And yes, Elizabeth is absolutely beautiful, bald or blonde, she is absolutely 100% stunning.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 43 other followers

%d bloggers like this: