Star Light, Star Bright, The First Star I See Tonight, I Wish I May, I Wish I Might, Have This Wish I Wish Tonight.
Yesterday, Kate said to me, “Mama, I really wish I had one wish.” Not knowing where this was going I said, “Well, what would you wish for, Chickee?” I’m thinking she is going to say, a cute, fluffy puppy or a T.V. for her bedroom, which she continues to ask for over and over but never seems to get, or maybe even 100 American Girl doll items, which are her absolute favorite toys these days. She climbed up on my lap and looked at me with eyes full of wishful tears and said, “I wish Elizabeth would never have cancer. I just wish I could trade all my Christmas gifts for Elizabeth’s cancer to go away.” As I tightly hugged her, I started to cry without being able to stop. I’m sure she tasted my tears because I just couldn’t stop them from coming. They kept coming and coming and coming. I told her how she has such a special heart, more special than anyone I know and that she is such an amazing little girl and that she is the best sister anyone could ever ask for. Just tonight as I was tucking her into bed, Brooke and I had just given Elizabeth her nightly meds and chemo shot, Kate once again started crying and said how she wished that she could trade places with Elizabeth. She wished that she could take every medicine and shot in her place. This is coming from my seven year old daughter! My first reaction is, I am so blessed with such beauty in my life. My second reaction is, I hate that this is my daughter’s wish! This should never have to be a child’s wish. Never! CHILDHOOD CANCER is beep beep beep beep beep. You fill in the beeps. I HATE IT! I HAVE NEVER BEEN A HATER ABOUT ANYTHING. BUT, I HATE CHILDHOOD CANCER WITH MY ENTIRE SOUL! I will tell you childhood cancer has changed me. It has changed my husband. And it has changed my kids. I am a different person today than I was in August. My purpose in life is different. My dreams in life are different. What I want to accomplish in life today is so completely different than what I wanted to accomplish yesterday. I love my husband and children with my entire being. That is all I had ever wanted to be growing up, was the best wife and mother I could possibly be. I try my hardest to be that. I try to protect my family from hurt and pain and then BOOM…blindsided by cancer! I don’t understand it? I don’t get it at all! I don’t understand why our normal Monday, now consists of sitting in a clinic all ding dong day long? A clinic that is full of beautiful children with cancer that all may or may not be there the following week. This week, as I sat with Elizabeth in the PCH clinic, she received another blood transfusion. She was looking pretty ghostly white when we got there. I told her all we needed were a set of vampire teeth since she was getting blood today. She looked at me so disgusted and said, “Do I have to drink it?” I’m thinking bad Mommy, bad bad Mommy! So I immediately try to make it right with a, “Just kidding love bug.” As we sat down, she was telling her nurses about her T Swizzle experience, but not even a night like that can make what you see and hear in this place any better. On each side of us were kiddos receiving blood transfusions, as well. They both eventually had reactions to their blood that day. We were the lucky ones that received blood with no problems. It’s a normal day around the clinic with blood transfusions, little bald heads all lined up hooked to a pole that contains their chemotherapy, vomiting, and more vomiting, crying and more crying, social workers talking to families about counseling services because no matter how hard you try to handle it yourself, you just can’t. Why should this be a normal Monday for anyone? It’s a very terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Monday! So here it is…I still want to be the very best wife and mother I can possibly be and my army and I have the fight of our lives on our hands. So many of you have asked what you can do to help. I have a plan of attack I am currently putting together and will keep you posted very soon on the many ways you can help because NO CHILD SHOULD EVER HAVE TO WISH TO TRADE PLACES WITH HER SISTER BECAUSE SHE WOULD RATHER HAVE CANCER HERSELF INSTEAD OF HER BABY SISTER! And that’s that!
A little side note from Elizabeth this week…
to kick lymphoma’s buttCRACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There you have it. Cancer should be scared, very very scared!
WHAT WOULD YOU WISH FOR?
Brooke, Heidi, Bryce, Kate, and Elizabeth