Spiritual Gangster in the house tonight. Here we go now…How did I know that cancer was coming? My gut told me that one day I would be faced with cancer in a big way. I knew it, I felt it. I always did. I don’t know how and I don’t know why, but on numerous occasions, I told my mom my biggest fear would be “One of my children getting cancer.”. Did I jinx myself with fearing it too much, knowing it was coming? My biggest fear has come true and I feel helpless. I feel scared of death staring us in the eyes. I am consumed with so much sadness it hurts every part of me. The tears come not knowing from one minute to the next. These tears burn so badly. They sting as though acid is pouring down my face. So many tears for so many reasons. Reasons like my baby has cancer. Reasons like doctors thinking 70-75% are good odds. Anything less than 100% are awful odds in my book. These tears burn my face because my son and daughter have to watch this happen to their precious baby sister. They have to watch their baby sister’s hands shake, her legs ache, watch her scream and cry, watch her vomit, watch her suffer unbelievable amounts of pain. These tears sting my face because Kate is so worried she wakes countless times through the night to make sure everything is ok. These tears stingy my face because I can no longer fall asleep like I used to. And when I finally do fall asleep its not long before I am hyperventilating myself awake and soaking from my tears. I scream at God. If he is as mighty and powerful as everyone says, then why can’t he fix this and make everything better? Why does my baby girl have to suffer like this. Sleep is not easy, concentrating is impossible. Functioning day by day is hard. How can I let this shake me? How do families do this for so long? I feel weak and powerless. Is there a secret? I need to know! But, most of all I hate that I have a new fear. A new fear because my other fear is now reality. A new fear that seems just too close. So close, I try not to think it for fear that I will jinx our family again. It’s the fear of losing this battle. This battle with cancer. Cancer, it’s a cruel and too usual life-sucking torcher for way too many beautiful families! The doctors tell you to keep a normal life. Please, tell me how to do this because I am trying to wrap my head around how to keep a normal life, when mom has to stay at the hospital, dad has to go to work, so now there is a babysitter feeding and nurturing my other two beautiful children. Why if I am standing in a room with my best friend does my daughter ask her to open her drink? I hate that she feels like she doesn’t want to ask me for anything because she knows what I carry on my shoulders right now. It hurts so deep. It hurts that my beautiful baby girl now screams and yells that she hates me. Why does she hate me so badly? Does she blame me for all of this? All I ever want is for her to feel love and comfort. No pain and no stupid suffering. Why did this have to happen to us? Why does this have to happen to anyone? Why do my mom and dad have to live so far away? Good friends became great and some friends have almost become invisible. Do they feel guilty because their children are all healthy and happy? Do they just not know what to say or how to act? Do they feel guilty because the only thing they have to worry about is decorating for the holidays or who is not signing up for napkins at the holiday party at school? I wish my biggest worry was what size IPad to get for my kids for Christmas. I hear people complain about having to work too much and not having the time for the priceless things in their life. THEN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!! If you are not happy with who you are or what you’re doing, then change it or shut up and live with a life that will pass you by as you miss all the truly important things life has to offer you.
The fog is starting to clear…Getting EBB!!! Things getting clearer. You down with EBB? Yah you know me! Who’s down with EBB?
What’s EBB? Well, besides Elizabeth’s initials? It’s a movement inspired by Elizabeth. Not only is she kicking cancer in the buttcrack but also inspiring people to be more super duper beautiful. People like my friend, Megan. Oh my beautiful Megan, she’s the one who knows that look in my eyes when I’m thinking something big, she’s also the one who’s not afraid to hear those big thoughts and help me in anyway that she can. She’s the one who will sit hours with me in the hospital and brainstorm how to spread EBB. She’s got EBB! Elizabeth inspiring people to giggle more, to sing daily, dance often, and truly enjoy the simple pleasures of your life. Elizabeth Brooklyn Blair is the most courageous child I know! She fears nothing. At the young age of five she has helped author a book that, no doubt, will be given to each and every child diagnosed with cancer. Because she makes the best out of any situation. She always has and always will turn her lemons into lemonade. Brooke and I have decided to start a foundation to help bring awareness to childhood cancer. Elizabeth and I have started a book project together to help make a few things easier for young kiddos who are diagnosed with childhood cancer. We are super duper excited for this!!!
As many of you have been asking…”What are you doing with Vintage Style?”. Well, what I can tell you is this…The doors will be opening on December 10th. I know we will be open for at least 2 terrific days! There is going to be a supersonic SALE benefiting EBB Foundation. I have had so many generous, talented and amazing women contact me about doing fundraisers to help Elizabeth! They GOT EBB! Are you giggling yet? We are! We are giggling with so much excitement! This will be our first of many fundraisers to benefit projects to help fight childhood cancer and make life more beautiful for families dealing with such difficulties. Mommies and daddies united. Together we stand!
You know, I do believe that God has a plan. Do I think his plan involved my daughter getting cancer? No way! Cancer is all EVIL! God is nothing but goodness. He is nothing bad. Do I think he prepared us for this? Absolutely! There is a reason why my babysitter is here to help nurture my children right now. As a cancer survivor, she always knows exactly what to say to them at exactly the right time. I stand in awww of her knowledge and wisdom. When the storm is over and you look back on where it took you, you can then see why and what you gained from that experience. How it made you the person you are. Forgive me, for always trying to put the puzzle pieces together and see the final picture. I try to see the good anyway I can. I always have and I always will. Although, I have also seen awful stories that I just see no explanations for? I love God. He has been so good to our family and I get mad at myself at times for doubting him. I know GOD IS NOTHING BUT GREATNESS. Of all the pastors I have listened to in church over the years, the one who taught me that was my dad. He’s never been baptized, doesn’t attend church regularly, but truly and whole-heartedly believes in Gods greatness. God would never hurt us. He only loves us dearly. I know this, I’ve witnessed it in my life and I know that there is a greater purpose for all of this and not that God created cancer , but that he will help us all the way through it. He is there. He has answered my prayers consistently. He has showed me that at times when I have felt so alone in this fight he has brought individuals into my life at exactly the right moment. He has given me a beautiful husband that knows exactly what my heart desires. He has given me a mind to think positive and creative and know where we are going with this and how we will get through it. There is a big picture. I have a glimpse of what it would look like. I will continue on fighting this fight stronger than ever. How did I know this was coming? Because God is goodness and he prepared me for it. That’s how.
Spiritual Gangster peace out!
Got EBB? 
Comments on: "Got EBB?" (1)
Oh Heidi, I’ve been getting caught up on you and Elizabeth and your family and just weeping through a lot of it. You are doing such an amazing job and yet I think the sentiment of this post is where I’ve been every time I think of you all! It’s so hard to understand why God can’t just FIX IT!!! Sometimes holding onto faith in God’s goodness feels like something you do as you’re hanging over a ledge, grasping only with your fingernails. You all are often in our thoughts and prayers and my Elizabeth has asked about yours a lot. Just want you to know we haven’t forgotten.